The Practice of Respectful Engagement

On any given day, a third grader might articulate a peer’s perspective, or an Upper School student might debate human rights with poise and humility. Across every division, Marksmen are learning what it means to listen first, think deeply, and respond with respect.

“Civil discourse is a foundational way to develop empathy,” said Dr. Gabby Reed, Director of the Marksman Wellness Center and Middle School Counselor. “We can only truly understand the perspective of another when we set aside our certainty and listen with an open mind.”

Since Menter B. Terrill first urged his students to “act like scholars and behave like gentlemen,” St. Mark’s has upheld character and leadership as core to its mission. The Character & Leadership education program, formalized in 2005, continues that tradition, teaching civil discourse as a vital skill that prepares boys for scholarship, leadership, and citizenship.

David Brown, Director of Character & Leadership education, connects the practice of civil discourse to the School’s larger mission. “From political debates to dinner conversations, the lack of civil discourse has provided the worst of examples for students learning to express opposing views in classrooms or on the playground,” he said. “Our effort with St. Mark’s Character & Leadership education is to teach that private character and public virtue are connected. We focus on the virtues and skills of servant leadership: openness, respect, deference, encouragement, listening well, and thinking before speaking. Students learn to self-govern, better preparing themselves as adults to contribute meaningfully to the governance of their communities.”

For students, the groundwork begins in the Lower School. Third Grade teacher and Founders’ Master Teaching Chair Tracey McKenzie introduces her boys to civil discourse in straightforward, tangible ways. “I keep it simple: eyes on the speaker, ears open, voice on hold,” she said. “We practice saying back what we heard before we add our own idea. Our class rule is, ‘If you can say it kindly, you can say it here.’ That one sentence sets the tone.” Her students use sentence starters like “I noticed…,” “I wonder…,” and “Can I add on?”—turning respect into something practiced daily.

By Middle and Upper School, those habits evolve into deeper academic and civic conversations. “We talk about disagreement as an opportunity for understanding rather than a battle to be won,” said Dean Clayman, Head of Middle School. “The most thoughtful people hold firm values while remaining genuinely curious about perspectives different from their own.” He added, “Civil discourse is an integral part of Character & Leadership Education because it asks students to practice the virtues we hope to cultivate—empathy, humility, courage, respect, and integrity.”

Dr. GayMarie Vaughan, Victor F. White Master Teacher, incorporates these same virtues into her English classes. “We intentionally weave the idea and practice of civil discourse into our courses—especially in English 10 when we talk about respect, openness, courtesy, and humility,” she said. “As part of our Character & Leadership education, we discuss how necessary these concepts are in a democracy and when speaking with people we disagree with. In my Literature of Human Rights class, we address topics that people naturally have passionate opinions about, so civil discourse becomes essential.”

Students say they see these lessons reflected every day. “Every teacher places an emphasis on looking past grades to truly appreciate the subjects we’re in, and I feel that this same principle carries over to how we discourse at St. Mark’s,” said Aamir Tinwala ’26. “We focus on first understanding what a peer is saying, internalizing it, and then giving a civil response rather than just staying fixated on whether or not we agree.”

Younger students notice the same example set by older peers. “About a year ago I attended a Political Forum Club meeting and witnessed a discussion on tariffs between a student and a teacher,” said Will Behnke ’28. “Despite their very different views, they still found several key points of common ground. That gave me hope for future discussions like this on campus and throughout the real world.” 

Vaughan added that the example set by faculty also shapes student understanding. “Our Upper School boys regularly see teachers engage positively with each other, modeling respect for others’ opinions and expertise,” she said. “Even though many of us have different political views, we like each other a lot as people—so we treat each other kindly.”

Outside of class, student organizations such as the IDLC and the Global Education Council (GEC) provide spaces for boys to put these values into practice. “We’re lucky to have student organizations like IDLC and GEC,” said Benjamin Standefer ’26. “These are the groups that facilitate real, uninhibited conversations on campus. They’re some of my best high school memories.”

Through such experiences, Marksmen learn that civil discourse isn’t about winning arguments, it’s about understanding others and strengthening community. The act of listening itself becomes an expression of leadership.

At its core, St. Mark’s approach to civil discourse reflects the belief that character and leadership are inseparable. From the Lower School classroom to the Senior Exhibition, boys are taught that leadership begins with humility and that meaningful dialogue begins with respect. As Brown reflected, “A boy who practices servant leadership in school settings is ready to carry these habits into professional and civic life. The civic aspect of character education is a prime concern as society grapples with leadership, truth telling, and ethical priorities.”

For St. Mark’s, civil discourse is more than a skill; it is a cornerstone of character formation, shaping young men who have the courage to listen, the humility to learn, and the integrity to lead with empathy.